Growing up and moving forward.....

So it's Monday morning and I sit here typing thinking of how when i was a kid I used to dread getting in trouble because my dad was so hard on me and so mean. This has haunted me even to this day as I sit here and type this at age 31yrs old. My dad isn't the "daddy" type, so i grew up with not a lot of emotion from him for showing his love for myself or my brother. It has affected me in so many ways I can't even begin to count. I had my grandpa till I was 26yrs old and then he passed away of lung cancer in 2003 and I felt like my dad had died because he was always the one I went to in order to fill my need for love and emotions that a daddy should give his child. Well when he passed away i was devastated and it took me a long time to be ok. I was married to a real winner let me tell you, NOT!!!! I left my ex husband just before my grandfather passed away and took care of him full time and Liam for about a month, i lived in the basement of his house and tried to do it all. It just didn't work. After my grandpa passed, I believe he brought Chris to me and I will never think anything else. He made me find happiness and love that I never experienced as a kid.

I know it probably hurts my mom to hear that I hated my childhood but all I can remember are the bad things. Maybe a few good things like graduation and a few Christmas's. Why is this? All I did was run away from home and hate living there. I was never happy and always hated being around the house. It just wasn't a good life. So now that I am all grown up and have a family of my own, I vow to not be the way my dad was to me to them. I don't drink except for occasions and even then i am careful as to what I have. I guess you could say this was my battle my entire life growing up with my dad. Trying to get him to stop drinking thinking he would be a nicer person to me. Nope to this day he still drinks and says hes not an alcoholic ha ha that is funny! Really? Really? He has diabetes and still drinks, all i can say is IDIOT!

I have to say I sent my mom an email about some feelings and such. 6 days later i receive a phone call from my dad. Well I do not want to speak to him, I emailed my mom therefore I will only speak to my mom not him. He never calls me and when he does it's to bitch and complain about how I do this and I do that. It's never his fault so this time i was smart, I pushed ignore on my phone and sent a text message (I love this new technology now a days) and said to my mom's cell that I wanted to speak to mom, and if she wants to call me feel free to. Well I have little hope that she will call. I have decided that no more will I feel belittled, or sick from speaking to my father who only and will only make me feel that way no matter what. I have nothing to say to him and could care less if I speak to him ever again, he is ignorant, mean, unloving (has been), and just overall makes you feel like you are a piece of dirt and never good enough. I'm done. I am grown up now and moving forward I am in control of my life and I am the one that says who I speak to about things, If I do not want to speak to you I do not have to. Thats the part about growing up that I love. I am in control of my own life and it feels great that he can't take that away from me.

So i just felt like blogging about this because it is so overwhelming at times. I don't speak of it much to my own family (husband) he has too much other crap going on with work, baseball, the house stuff etc. I am glad my grandpa sent me someone who could fill the void I have had for so long in my life. Chris loves me for me, and doesn't put me down because I can't do something or do not know how. He is the man in my life and I will forever be grateful to my grandpa for this awesome gift.

I am having an awesome week nothing will get in my way....Wedding dress comes in today and I am off to the gym for the first time in a month. Woo hoo, not a hard workout because i can't with the cosmetic surgery but at least I can go! =)

Until next time....